Money Cruise and Cock Holmes Split?!?
Jesus! No sooner had I peeled my vomit-stuck cheek from the kitchen floor and poured myself another dog of the dog that bit me than I see Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have gotten divorced! You could have knocked me over with a feather, or just waited a few seconds for me to pass out again!
I never understood those two. I mean, he’s obviously straight or else how do you explain the two children he adopted with Nicole Kidman? And we know she loved him because it was in their contract. Still whenever either of them started talking about the other my head would feel like it’s about to explode, like it always does. Finally I figured out a little system that helped me make sense of things:
Every time Tom talks about Katie, just substitute all references to Katie with the word “cock.” And every time Katie talks about Tom, just substitute all references to Tom with the word “money.” But I should warn you right now, this only becomes funnier and funnier the longer you do it, and never gets old.
Anyhoo, see for yourself:
TOM:
It was an explosion! And cock is just magic. When you find that one cock, you should be unabashed about it. That’s how I feel about cock.
KATIE:
From the moment I met money, it just felt like I’d known it forever.
TOM:
I can’t even articulate it, to be honest. That feeling, that connection. Just what cock is and what it means to me.
KATIE:
I’ve found the money of my dreams.
TOM:
When cock walks into the room, I just feel better.
KATIE:
Money is the most incredible thing in the world.
TOM:
What cock and I have is very special.
KATIE:
You have to know money… First of all, money doesn’t put pressure on people.
TOM:
I’m just very happy, and I have been since the moment I met cock.
KATIE:
Money makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.
TOM:
I keep looking at cock and thinking, ‘cock is amazing.’
KATIE:
I love calling money husband.
TOM:
And I’d think the same of cock even if it wasn’t with me — cock is just amazing.
KATIE:
Money and I try not to go for a week without seeing each other.
TOM:
Every night before we go to sleep, cock and I look at each other and it’s like, ‘How’d we do today?’
KATIE:
Money is the most incredible stuff. It’s so generous and kind, and it helps so many people, and, um, it makes me laugh like I’ve never laughed, and it’s a great friend.
TOM:
I don’t sleep much and I like adventures. I wanna do. Let’s get it goin’, you know? And that’s cock.
KATIE:
It’s a pleasure and a privilege to be with money.
TOM:
I wanted a cock you could share everything with.
KATIE:
Money and I will always be in our honeymoon phase.
TOM:
I know I’m with the cock I want to spend the rest of my life with.
Of course, the one time this doesn’t work is when they’re talking about Suri. In those cases, no matter who’s speaking just substitute “Suri” with the word “me.”